Happy Mother's Day

Because it's Mother's Day...I'll talk about my own Mother.


I remember my Mom most at Mother's Day. She's been gone for 6 years but I still miss her. Many times I wish she's still here so she can help me with my girls but sadly she's not and I know she's in a better place. You see my mom was sick for a long long time. She had kidney disease for sixteen years. It's a miracle she went that long. I think it's mostly because she was holding on to me. Every single day she would pray to God that she'll be able to witness me graduate grade school then come to the US then spend more time with her then graduate middle school and so on. She wanted to be part of my life as much as she can so she hold on to dear life just for me. I was an only child and I was all she got. She wanted to see me settled I guess so when I got married she started to let go. We all could feel it. It was just a matter of time before she would leave us. But even though she was hurting every single day she still hold on for me so she could see me give birth to my eldest, Jelynn. Three weeks after Jelynn was born she left us. But those three weeks she spent with me, my husband, my dad & my newborn were the happiest three weeks in her life. I know she left us happy but I couldn't let go. I couldn't forgive myself for a long time. Maybe if I didn't get married too soon maybe she wouldn't have left me. Maybe if I didn't get pregnant right away then maybe she'll still be here. Years I blamed myself that she left me that day. Every week I would dream of my mom. I didn't know what it meant because every time I wake up in the morning I couldn't remember it except that it was about her. For years it was like that. I would even cry myself at night because maybe she died earlier because I was already happy. Maybe if my life was a mess then she'd still be here guiding me. I kept asking for forgiveness, for whatever I've done that might have disappointed her but mostly the feeling of guilt. Then one day I dreamed of her and for the first time I remembered it. She was waving goodbye to me saying she has to go. I was standing there dumbfounded. I didn't know what to do I wanted to hug her but there was a gate between us so I just waved and said goodbye to my mother and from then on, the regular dreams I had of her stopped. I thought about my dream for awhile. It took me forever to understand what it meant. To me my mom saying goodbye was telling me to let go. Let go of her and let go of the guilt. It's time for her to go. She hold on too long already for me. It would be selfish for me to wish her to stay even though she will keep on hurting. I had to let her go. She's in a much better place with the Lord. When I released myself from all the guilt I was feeling, everytime I would dream of my mom I could remember them and almost all the time it's when I was a little girl. Those were the happiest times I spent with my mother. She's my role model you know. She taught me everything I know. I may not have understood her then but I understand her now that I'm a mother myself. She taught me what unconditional love is and forever I will always be grateful. Sometimes I still wish she's here with us so she can spend time with my girls I know they would love her as much as I do. But I know that wherever she is she's watching over us. It's difficult to me a mom and now I understand. I must have given my mom so many heartaches but she still forgave me and accepted me many times and now that I'm a mother I'm learning to be the kind of mom my mother has been to me. Hopefully someday I could make her proud and could be even just fraction of a good mother just like she was to me.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone and hope you take the time to say I love you to your Mom even just today because of all the love and sacrifices they've done for us...a simple I love you would melt their heart.